The Road that Leads to Personhood

So. Here is my question: What do I do with my personhood? Like, my subjective, emotional, hot-heart-self? The feelings that “come up” when something happens. Anything. Rejection. Fear. Anger. Irritation. The self that arises from within a flow. Interesting to note: it is only the “negative” feeling-states, the aversion, that makes me feel like this person, this separate bundle of nerves and aware-of-awareness, self-consciousness. That woa, I am totally falling from grace here.

All covered up and nowhere to go

All covered up and nowhere to go


When my heart-self is squishy and happy there doesn’t seem to be a me; “I” am free and unadorned, in the paradise of aliveness, swimming  in the waters of other people, the distant sky, cooking dinner, chasing my kid into  her room to make her bed. As the Japanese Zen guys like to say, No problem!

But then, a note hits my heart in the wrong way. Rain comes. I feel put upon, un-seen, confused. There I am. A disgruntled person dispelled from the Garden  of Eden.

Pretend we’re talking: Does this make sense?

This experience I am talking about is not, as other Zen teachers, including my very own, like to say, a big deal. It is just the subtle workings of the conditioned self….I think!: here today, gone tomorrow. Hanging on to today, resisting tomorrow. Make today or tomorrow any two opposing things: me and you; my (correct) view and your (erroneous) view.

I get it. But what to do about  it. How do I listen to the heart-sounds?

How do I trust this Person and her demands?

How does one coherent person listen to a frazzled person?

What can I trust?

Yes, it’s winter. A storm is coming. Living in the cold dark house for a weekend won’t be so bad. In fact, nothing is so bad. When it’s not happening to me. If you know what I mean.